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Literature Text
golden dust
falling through the air,
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
falling through the air,
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
the sun is scattering-
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
the sun is scattering-
the light is broken.
we're passing through a twilight curtain,
it separates us from them-
we feel them when we reach out and touch
golden dust
falling through the air,
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
falling through the air,
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
fire is weeping its sorrow:
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
the sun is scattering-
the day begins its end.
or is it simply beginning?
the sun is scattering-
the light is broken.
we're passing through a twilight curtain,
it separates us from them-
we feel them when we reach out and touch
golden dust
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An experiment, I quickly tried a form I read in a magazine somewhere...
So yeah, like I said, this was just a quick thing, it looked like an interesting pattern when I read it in the magazine, so I tried to copy the style. I think I like it. My biggest problem is with the words themselves, I'm not sure if they're correct enough...it's hard to explain, so I'll give an example.
As is-"the sun is scattering- the light is broken.
What about-"the sun scatters- the light is breaking."
Do you see what I mean? I know these lines need to be altered and changed for the better, I'd like to keep the words but I want to change each line's internal word order. Any suggestions? Comments? Weak Points? Please do not hesitate to give me your opinion!
So yeah, like I said, this was just a quick thing, it looked like an interesting pattern when I read it in the magazine, so I tried to copy the style. I think I like it. My biggest problem is with the words themselves, I'm not sure if they're correct enough...it's hard to explain, so I'll give an example.
As is-"the sun is scattering- the light is broken.
What about-"the sun scatters- the light is breaking."
Do you see what I mean? I know these lines need to be altered and changed for the better, I'd like to keep the words but I want to change each line's internal word order. Any suggestions? Comments? Weak Points? Please do not hesitate to give me your opinion!
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Comments21
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i believe the form that you were reading about may have been the pantoum. the form you used is similar. i am fond of the form for the dreamlike quality it can convey... it can invoke something akin to the reaction to reading a stream of consciousness piece.
i noticed some were looking for the pattern:
pantoum - minimum of three stanzas as follows:
stanza 1:
• line 1
• line 2
• line 3
• line 4
stanza 2:
• line 5 (repeat of line 2 in stanza 1)
• line 6 (new line)
• line 7 (repeat of line 4 in stanza 1)
• line 8 (new line)
stanza 3/last stanza (this is always the format for the last stanza whether you use the basic three stanzas or build more stanzas into the poem.):
• line 9 (line 2 of the previous stanza)
• line 10 (line 3 of the first stanza)
• line 11 (line 4 of the previous stanza)
• line 12 (line 1 of the first stanza)
hope that helps!
i noticed some were looking for the pattern:
pantoum - minimum of three stanzas as follows:
stanza 1:
• line 1
• line 2
• line 3
• line 4
stanza 2:
• line 5 (repeat of line 2 in stanza 1)
• line 6 (new line)
• line 7 (repeat of line 4 in stanza 1)
• line 8 (new line)
stanza 3/last stanza (this is always the format for the last stanza whether you use the basic three stanzas or build more stanzas into the poem.):
• line 9 (line 2 of the previous stanza)
• line 10 (line 3 of the first stanza)
• line 11 (line 4 of the previous stanza)
• line 12 (line 1 of the first stanza)
hope that helps!